Monday, May 13, 2013

The Proof Is In The Baklava

Safety Guy's IEP meeting (8th grade, transition to high school next year - eep!) went pretty well, I think.  It was a long meeting, over an hour, but it was okay.  We discussed a lot of stuff, including the bullying,his reactions to bullying, his auditory sensitivity issues, and how to help him deal better with peer interactions/bullying as we go on. 

It was an "all hands on deck" meeting, with the resource teacher, a regular teacher (science in this case), psychologist, counselor, and vice-principal, plus our son, my husband and myself.  We all want the best for SG, but this has been a very tough year, and we all feel that we need to stop his slide and help him make better choices.

Safety Guy's grades have tanked in a couple classes since February, and decreased across the board to a lesser extent.  A lot of that is due to stress, both from school and from home-related issues.  We've addressed the home stuff, but the school stuff remains a huge problem.  We just want to help him get as much of his work made up as possible before the end of this last quarter, and keep him from having a major meltdown at school over bullying or frustration. 

I got in writing in his IEP that we had discussed the possible need for a 1:1 aide for him next year.  That is NOT our first choice to help him, by the way, but I wanted the discussion open for the future if necessary.  Independence issues aside, the schools always dislike spending money where they don't think they have to.  Raising the specter of spending extra money always gets their attention.  Anyhow, we're not going that route, but I made it clear that he should not NEED another adult with him in school to run interference between him and the bullies.  I think they got the point.

We discussed other ways to to deal with his auditory/sensory issues (noise/crowds bother him).  One thing that his teacher let him do this year was use his iPod and earbuds while doing individual seatwork or computer work, to tune out distractions.  That's in writing in his IEP now.  The counselor suggested that Safety Guy take advantage of the offer of "decompression time," to stop by the guidance office when someone is really on his nerves or after a tough class, BEFORE he goes to his next class and tries to "last word" the people who got on his nerves and escalate the situation.  Just a few minutes is usually enough for him to get his control back.  Getting him to take those few minutes BEFORE he loses control is the key.  Also, he benefits from having lunch in a quiet area rather than the cafeteria.  The vice principal and counselor said that the librarian (a wonderful teacher in her own right, and just plain a cool person) allows a few kids to eat lunch in the library, and put that out as an option for SG.

While there are always issues of staffing and space at our school (not enough staff due to budget cuts, not enough space ditto), for 9th grade the resource teachers have tried to group SG with students with other similar needs but who are not the main instigators of issues with him.  Likewise, the guidance counselor is going to try to use the little flexibility he has in scheduling to try to separate SG from certain students where possible.

It was a positive meeting, even if it wasn't easy.  We all want him to succeed.  If we can break this negative cycle of bullying or hypersensitivity leading to reaction/overreaction, the his high school years will be MUCH better than junior high has been.  We'll see how next year goes.

The proof may be in the pudding, but I prefer baklava :-)

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Wabbit Season, Duck Season, IEP Season

Safety Guy filming Burnside Bridge at Antietam in April.

Safety Guy's IEP meeting is this Monday morning.  I'm not sure how this is going to go, given SG's difficulties over the past four months.  Since Christmas his behavior has been very erratic at school, very volatile, and he's begun acting out at the bullies using their own bullying tactics, as well as yelling at his teachers when they try to redirect him or mediate with his peers.  He often says that the teachers don't do anything to help him, in spite of the fact that I know they really do.  He just wants swift, public justice (obviously in his favor), and if he can't see the consequences for the other students, he thinks they just get away with their behavior toward him, and will do it again.  (And they usually DO do it again, after whatever consequence they earn.)  Then he acts out, using the same rude language, offensive words and trash talk, sometimes even toward his teachers.  This gives his teachers no choice but to give HIM consequences, which he earns through his choices, but he doesn't necessarily understand why HE gets punished when someone else (may have) provoked him and (he thinks) deserves to be equally punished, if not more.

I am NOT HAPPY with these developments at all.  This is an ugly cycle we somehow need to stop, NOW.

I get that he's frustrated with being picked on.  I understand that he has low threshold for annoyance when it comes to auditory stimulation.  I know that he overreacts to certain things.  Heaven knows that I understand that no teacher can have eyes in the back of their head, x-ray vision and bionic hearing to catch every little interaction between all of their students every minute of the day.  I understand the limitations of staffing and budgets, and balancing the needs of individual students against the needs of their entire classrooms.  I really do understand.

None of that means a rat's patootie to me at the moment.  I'm sick and tired of Safety Guy being bullied.  The bullying hasn't stopped, it's just become more covert.  He's angry and frustrated, sad and upset, anxious and stressed, and he's acting out because of it.  Can I blame him?  No.  But we still have to deliver appropriate consequences for his choices even when he's acting out of frustration, or from over-stimulation related to his Aspergers.  The key word is "appropriate."

There's the crux of the problem:  How much of his recent behavior is related to his Aspergers?  How much is typical junior high boy stuff?  How much is related to the bullying?  How can we tell?  What can we do?  And how can we break this negative cycle?

I've had some very good conversations with his teachers, psychologist, counselor, and both the principal and vice principal - all professionals that I highly respect and have enjoyed working with.  We've tried a number of different approaches to helping Safety Guy, and for dealing with the bullies.  We've had some success (peer mediation with one peer has been showing some good results) and some failure (the bullying continues covertly, often behavioral or bullying problems carry over from less structured classes to more structured classes [backlash], and SG sometimes provokes to get back at the bullies or just lashes out verbally in frustration).  We're all frustrated up to the eyeballs with this situation.

Going into high school next year (aiyiyi, I can't believe he'll be in 9th grade), I'm very afraid this cycle will continue.  I'm afraid that he'll continue to be bullied, continue to be grouped with the same students, and continue this downward spiral of acting out on his frustration.  The options for separating him from some of the bullies are very limited, because of budget and staffing issues.  Basically, staff has been cut back over the past handful of years so much that there not enough special ed resource teachers to divide up the students who need their help into two or more groups per grade.  The same students with similar needs go in lockstep through most of their classes, together more often than not for junior high and all four years of high school.

This is a recipe for disaster for SG.

I've raised the idea of having a personal aide for SG, to assist him with navigating transitions between classes (where some of the bullying takes place), and to be a second set of eyes in the classroom.  I'm ambivalent about the idea, truthfully - Safety Guy doesn't need an aide for daily living skills, navigating the halls, or even doing his own school work.  The aide would essentially be a bodyguard, to run interference between him and the bullies, someone who would recognize when he's overstimulated or ready to blow his stack and encourage him to leave the room appropriately before he loses his cool, without chewing anyone out verbally.

But why should our son need a "bodyguard"?  Why can't the school find another way to deal with this issue? Why should I have to rub their noses in the fact that they have cut the budget so far that they cannot divide up students between two groups per grade to get the best mix of personalities and abilities?  Why should our son be essentially punished because the school doesn't have the space or staff it needs to do their best by him, or any other students with special needs?

This shouldn't be happening.  And I have nothing against the individual teachers and administrators that I know, who have done such excellent work with SG over the past three years.  They're also trapped by the system to some extent, especially the teachers.  I know they would like to have the flexibility to move students around and arrange academic/behavioral groupings to get the best results for all of their students.  I can't believe how hard this year has been for SG's main resource teacher, with a number of strong-willed, needy, and/or difficult kids in her class (and I include SG in that grouping).  She's a saint.  I'd have pulled my hair out months ago.

This ought to be an interesting meeting Monday.  I'm not looking forward to it, but I also am in a weird sort of way.  We need to air all of this out.  We need this "all hands on deck" meeting, with Safety Guy present.  It's his transitional meeting to high school, and we've already met with his guidance counselor to formulate a four-year plan for him, which will include vocational training of some sort through BOCES, and a NY Regents Diploma.  Somehow we've got to get from here to there without Safety Guy becoming more anxious, more depressed, or acting out to the point that he takes a swing at someone who has been picking on him.  And I'm very afraid that that's what will happen if we don't discuss all of our options - even a "bodyguard."

Friday, May 10, 2013

New Friend, New Home

Here's the newest addition to our family:  Mercy the cat (or Cici for short).  We adopted her from Wanderer's Rest, which is not too far from us.  We had intended to wait longer to adopt a cat, but she picked us out and we fell in love.  (In our defense, we visit the shelter regularly just to play with the cats.  We went just to look, like we often do, and got hooked.)  In fact, I filled out the adoption paperwork before Tech Guy or the Princess had even seen her in person.

She's a medium-haired, bob-tailed two-year-old cat.  She'd been at the shelter for 6  months, dropped off with her kittens by an irresponsible owner who didn't bother to spay her cats (I gathered from the shelter staff that Mercy wasn't the first cat they'd gotten from this owner).  Her kittens were adopted, but she stayed on.  She's got a big purr for a small cat (she's maybe 8 lbs), and she's very friendly.  She loves attention, and I snapped this picture while petting her.  She was so blissed out her tongue was sticking out.  Cute!

Ian petting Mercy while I got a picture.  
The shelter sent her home with a goodie bag, 
including the little crocheted sleeping mat.

She was just spayed, so we're keeping her in the downstairs bathroom while she heals, to minimize her running around and possibly getting into tussles with Molly.  Occasionally we'll put Molly in a bedroom and let Cici out to explore on her own.  Molly, for her part, is half curious and half freaked out.  I'm hoping that they'll reach equilibrium quickly - if not best buddies, then at least tolerant housemates.

Molly this morning, before her world got rocked.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

We've Got The Gleeks

(Image from

We've got the gleeks.  If you don't recognize that ailment, don't worry - it's just a figment of Dr. Seuss' imagination.  But it's been an expression in our family since I was little.  It's from the book, "I Had Trouble In Getting To Solla Sollew."  Any icky ailment or general under-the-weather-ness among us is likely to be called the gleeks at some point.  And boy, we've got them.

Safety Guy has strep throat.  He wasn't feeling well starting Sunday, and stayed home from school Monday. Tuesday he went to school, but his teacher called and said he was dragging and had a sore throat, so I picked him up before lunch.  Today I kept him home and took him to the doctor.  Yep, strep, no doubt about it.  Now, nine hours later, my own throat is getting sore in the tonsil/lymph node area, and I can see it coming like a light at the end of the tunnel (of the oncoming train variety).  I'll be going to the doctor tomorrow, and saying, "Look, I don't care if you strep test me or not, the odds are I've got strep."  I'm just hoping that Tech Guy and the Princess can dodge this bug.

We have been planning a weekend visit to see both sets of our parents, but if I do have strep, we won't be going.  We like family togetherness, but we draw the line at contagious germs.  That would stink to not be able to see our mothers for Mother's Day, but we'll go another weekend.  They know we love them, and we can best show that by NOT sharing strep with everyone. . . .

So, we've got the gleeks.  Maybe I'll go reread that Dr. Seuss book, one of my all-time childhood favorites.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Spring Shuffle

We've had a run of lovely weather, so I've had lots of opportunities to get outside and putter in the garden.  Yesterday and today brought two packages in the mail, both with plants:  daylilies and peonies in one box, gladiolus in the other.  The daylilies ('Zagora,' an oldie I loved in our old yard) and the peony ('Mons. Martin Cahuzac,' a dark crimson I've wanted for years) were part of a BOGO sale at Gilbert H. Wild.  The glads were a blue/violet variety called 'Vista' from Jung Seed.  Nothing expensive, but I'm hopeful for nice blooms from the perennials next year and for many years to come.  The glads are more of a quick fix, a cutting garden treat.  I don't usually grow many glads, but these were too pretty to pass up.

'Zagora' in my old garden - light peachy orange blend 
with a dark rose/light burgundy eye.

I also planted most of my porch containers with annuals - cannas, lantana, dianthus, pansies, stock, red salvia, oriental lilies, dahlias, and coleus.  I'm having to keep on top of watering the containers since we've had no rain for almost a week, and the temperatures have been in the low 70s during the day.

I also had to cut extra ventilation holes in my winter sown containers.  It's warm during the day, and I don't want to cook my seedlings, but it's been in the 40s at night, so it's a bit early to remove the lids entirely.  I'm also having to water them daily.  I've got lots and lots of seedlings, though, so in a couple weeks I can plant most of them out and free up space on my deck.

Iris 'Striped Butterfly,' which is so lovely.  I hope I can nurse
it back to vigorous health since it's been moved.

Finally, I've been moving some stuff around in the garden.  Every year I decide that something needs to move for reasons of aesthetics, or because it's not doing as well as I'd like and I think it would do better elsewhere.  Today I moved a peony and planted the new ones in their place.  I also moved two irises I don't want to lose that were dwindling away - I'm not sure why they weren't happy now when they were thriving two years ago, but a change of location couldn't hurt them and might salvage them.  They're both heirloom varieties, 'Striped Butterfly' and 'Meadowlark.'  I made room for the new daylilies and the gladiolus, and pulled a bunch of weeds as I went.  I also planted two new pots of irises - 'Batik' and 'Edith Wolford.'  I had 'Edith Wolford' years ago at the old house, and I missed it, so when I found plants ready to bloom at a local nursery, I bought one.  And, I've wanted to plant 'Batik' for years.
Hope springs eternal, especially in the garden.

Iris 'Edith Wolford' at our old house.  So lovely, it's really unmistakable.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Around the Yard This Week

Some pictures of what's going on around the yard this week.  Tulips are the big story, blooming in their bold yet elegant way.  I have them planted in hot colors out front, with just a couple clumps in cooler tones out back.  Some of the daffodils are past their prime now, but some are still holding their own.

I just planted a whole bunch of annual dianthus around the back yard, in groups among the perennials.  I have a weakness for the mixed varieties that come in any number of colors and patterns.

These tulips change color as they age, from yellow to shades of orange and red, so every day is a different show.  It's a shame it's been so warm this week, because they won't last as long in the heat as they would in cooler or cloudy weather.  I guess I can't have it both ways, can I?

My peonies are looking good this year.  I think they liked the cold, long winter much better than the warm/cold/warm schizo winter we had last year.  I'm hoping for some really nice blooms in a few weeks. 

These daffodils are blooming a little later than the others around the edge of the main raised bed out front.  They're supposed to be the variety 'Ice Follies,' but they're not - they're pure white.  So either they were mislabeled, or my memory is faulty.  Either is possible.  Whatever they are, they are lovely.

New leaves on my "Charlie Brown" tulip tree.  It was a tiny little thing when I bought it the year we moved in.  It was about 3 1/2 feet tall, and had barely three branches.  Now it's taller than I am, and starting to have a really nice shape.  I love tulip trees, both for their unusual leaves and yellow tulip-like flowers (so unexpected on a tree), but also because they're a hardy native tree.

The front of our house in the evening, earlier this week.  I'm really pleased with how the rust-colored shutters look.

The cherry tree, with its blossoms just opening.  Today, almost a week after this picture was taken, the blossoms are mostly gone, and the leaves are over an inch long.  Such a brief moment of glory, but it's so worth it.  I just wish the previous owners had not planted it so close to the porch.  I have to prune it severely each year to keep it in bounds.

Did I mention that I love hyacinths?  Their fragrance is one of my favorite signs of spring, and I always buy a forced pot of them when they first show up in the stores in early March, just to have that divine fragrance indoors.  These are perfuming my front porch.  They're advertised as orange, but they're a lovely soft peach with pink accents.  Pretty any way you describe them.

More yellow tulips. I told you I liked tulips, right?