Friday, February 22, 2013

Should, Ought, Might

Photo by Daniel Chodusov, 2013, via Flickr, free use image.
I'm feeling really "on the edge" lately.

I was hoping that a week off from teaching would help me refocus and get my act together on a number of other fronts, but it seems that the "free" time has just been an opportunity for my psyche to quietly go to pieces without the schedule of school to force me to compartmentalize and keep it together.  I've realized that I've been under an insane, un-Godly amount of pressure for the past few weeks, and I'm fraying around the edges, badly.

I've tried to rest physically, around bouts of insomnia or disrupted sleep, and bizarre dreams.  I've tried not to take out my stress and anger and lack of peace on my family. Depending on how I look at it, I've either failed miserably since I know I've been on the edge and everyone in the house knows it and I've snapped at people more than once this week, or I've succeeded better than should be humanly possible, because I haven't totally lost my mind or moved out or blown up on them.  I've alternated all week between being constructively busy and totally motivation-less, without much in between.

The house isn't clean.  It's not a pit, but it's not looking great either.  I'm getting the basics done, and everyone is fed and clothed.  I can't please everyone.  I don't even want to try right now.

The kids have been bickering.  A lot.  I know it's just ridiculous sibling stuff, stupid teen/tween crap, and Aspergers nonsense all tangled up together, but I Just. Don't. Have. The. Patience. For. It.

I am really down about teaching at the moment.  Too much stress, too much bureaucracy.  Right now, if the permanent teacher could come back this week, I'd gladly hand back her class without a second thought or regret, and refuse to sub for a couple weeks after that.  I'm burnt out.

I'm sick of the tyranny of the oughts, the shoulds, the mights.  I feel like I'm in emotional survival mode, and just getting through each day without a major breakdown is a victory.  In a perfect world - but this isn't.  And it won't be.  But I can still choose to make each day a little better, as much as I'm able to by God's grace.

Right now I'm leaning on grace, because my own resources are nil.